- 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖉-

i feel a connection to those who have already passed. especially those
whose cause of death was self inflicted. i understand their stuggles and
the way they were feeling prior to the unfortunate end because
i too have resigned myself to a life of waiting for death. but i can
never speak to them. at least not in this lifetime. i have to
wait until i join them to express how i coped through relating to
them posthumously. i read their personal journal which are now public
property because everyone wants to villianise suicide victims
and search their journals until they find a sentence they can blame
it all on. i feel haunted by some of the people whose intimate
thoughts i have read online. they invade my thoughts daily. especially
the specific few.

this feeling of longing for the dead is not only aplicable in circumstances
involving people. i yearn for times that havepassed. the feeling
that cult members felt in the 60s. i'm aware that these cults weren't
politically correct and i truly believe that the progress we've
made since then was essential, but i still find myself wishing
for that life. that way of living mystifies me in a way that makes me want
to experience it. to lose the ability to think alone and put
put all of your trust into someone else. truly believing everything
they say. no matter what. little to no contact to the outside
world. sounds like a dream.