a lot of this will probably seem dark
but it only exists inside my head. i can just get intense when i'm sad.
5 June '20
somedays i don't see any chance of me ever fully recovery. that i will
live a short life and never truly be happy for longer than a fleeting moment.
others i dream about a life with a happy family & the ability
to fall in love with someone that understands me and that i don't
have to change myself for constantly. but even when i have these
dreams, they're tainted by my cynical thoughts about the little change
they have of actually coming true. i'm not mentally stable enough
that life and i don't know if i ever will be. even when it's not
the cynical, depressive thoughts sneaking into my head, i constantly
go between recovery and relapse in a never ending cycle with ana.
i hate it. today i want to fully recovery. to not have these thoughts
anymore, but i don't have the strength the fight it. i continue
to starve while approaching the imminent binge session. i just want
it to be over.
25 May '20
ordinary life drains me. i don't know how much longer i can last in this
bleak existance. i've never felt this close to the end before. no one
else understands, or even tries to. they just care about how my
mood affects them. "people say they love you but what they mean is that
they love the way that loving you makes them feel about themselves".
i'm becoming resentful. i'm aware that it's no one else's responsibility
to really care how i feel, but i'm not sure that my subconscious does.
planning for the future seems pointless. not that i could even if it wasn't.
i was misplaced here. someone made a mistake and it resulted
in me being here. in this body. in this life. i can never truly
be content in this lifetime for extended amounts
of time. coming to that realisation had both helped me
and prematurely killed me.
19 July '22
i can't believe i'm back. it's been over two years and here i am updating this.
i tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago, it's a long time coming i know. and i really
do want to get better but i just don't know how to do that. realistically i know
alcohol is my enemy in this, along with some of the people i interact
with... but i just can't cut alcohol out. and the negative person is only in my
life because my true love can't be (love you E). i think i might
go away for a bit. that could help.
in other news, there's a chance that i'm pregnant. it's a very small chance,
meaning i think this every time i have unprotected sex, but still there is a
chance and i kinda hope it's true. idk i used to hate kids but recently
i just feel like that's what i want for my life and maybe then i'll be happy.
BACK
live a short life and never truly be happy for longer than a fleeting moment.
others i dream about a life with a happy family & the ability
to fall in love with someone that understands me and that i don't
have to change myself for constantly. but even when i have these
dreams, they're tainted by my cynical thoughts about the little change
they have of actually coming true. i'm not mentally stable enough
that life and i don't know if i ever will be. even when it's not
the cynical, depressive thoughts sneaking into my head, i constantly
go between recovery and relapse in a never ending cycle with ana.
i hate it. today i want to fully recovery. to not have these thoughts
anymore, but i don't have the strength the fight it. i continue
to starve while approaching the imminent binge session. i just want
it to be over.
25 May '20
ordinary life drains me. i don't know how much longer i can last in this
bleak existance. i've never felt this close to the end before. no one
else understands, or even tries to. they just care about how my
mood affects them. "people say they love you but what they mean is that
they love the way that loving you makes them feel about themselves".
i'm becoming resentful. i'm aware that it's no one else's responsibility
to really care how i feel, but i'm not sure that my subconscious does.
planning for the future seems pointless. not that i could even if it wasn't.
i was misplaced here. someone made a mistake and it resulted
in me being here. in this body. in this life. i can never truly
be content in this lifetime for extended amounts
of time. coming to that realisation had both helped me
and prematurely killed me.
19 July '22
i can't believe i'm back. it's been over two years and here i am updating this.
i tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago, it's a long time coming i know. and i really
do want to get better but i just don't know how to do that. realistically i know
alcohol is my enemy in this, along with some of the people i interact
with... but i just can't cut alcohol out. and the negative person is only in my
life because my true love can't be (love you E). i think i might
go away for a bit. that could help.
in other news, there's a chance that i'm pregnant. it's a very small chance,
meaning i think this every time i have unprotected sex, but still there is a
chance and i kinda hope it's true. idk i used to hate kids but recently
i just feel like that's what i want for my life and maybe then i'll be happy.
BACK
bleak existance. i've never felt this close to the end before. no one
else understands, or even tries to. they just care about how my
mood affects them. "people say they love you but what they mean is that
they love the way that loving you makes them feel about themselves".
i'm becoming resentful. i'm aware that it's no one else's responsibility
to really care how i feel, but i'm not sure that my subconscious does.
planning for the future seems pointless. not that i could even if it wasn't.
i was misplaced here. someone made a mistake and it resulted
in me being here. in this body. in this life. i can never truly
be content in this lifetime for extended amounts
of time. coming to that realisation had both helped me
and prematurely killed me.
19 July '22
i can't believe i'm back. it's been over two years and here i am updating this.
i tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago, it's a long time coming i know. and i really
do want to get better but i just don't know how to do that. realistically i know
alcohol is my enemy in this, along with some of the people i interact
with... but i just can't cut alcohol out. and the negative person is only in my
life because my true love can't be (love you E). i think i might
go away for a bit. that could help.
in other news, there's a chance that i'm pregnant. it's a very small chance,
meaning i think this every time i have unprotected sex, but still there is a
chance and i kinda hope it's true. idk i used to hate kids but recently
i just feel like that's what i want for my life and maybe then i'll be happy.
BACK
i tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago, it's a long time coming i know. and i really
do want to get better but i just don't know how to do that. realistically i know
alcohol is my enemy in this, along with some of the people i interact
with... but i just can't cut alcohol out. and the negative person is only in my
life because my true love can't be (love you E). i think i might
go away for a bit. that could help.
in other news, there's a chance that i'm pregnant. it's a very small chance,
meaning i think this every time i have unprotected sex, but still there is a
chance and i kinda hope it's true. idk i used to hate kids but recently
i just feel like that's what i want for my life and maybe then i'll be happy.